Big Ben Is Ruining the Economy

It’s not just under-aged college girls who suffer at the hands of Pittsburgh’s philandering quarterback.

Check out this life-size oil painting spotted in the window of a Sewickley art gallery:
Big Ben Painting

Now check out the asking price:

price

If you can’t read it, it says:

Was $15,000, now $10,000 $5,000.

Stupid Ben. Now even aspiring Leroy Neimans can’t make a living.

The Baton is Passed. (To me.)

Growing up, I was constantly asked, “Are you related to Hall-of-Fame Baseball Player Stan Musial?”

I’ve talked to other people with the Musial surname, and apparently, this happened ALL THE TIME.

(The answer, by the way, is: “No, I am not related.”)

Today, my son was asked, “Are you related to local comedian Tom Musial?”

At last, my plan for domination of the Musial name is starting to pay off! As my comedy empire expands, all of the world’s Musials will be subject to the question: are they fortunate enough to be related to ME!

Enough of Stan Musial and his three MVP awards and his three world series rings and his 3,630 hits and 475 home runs and 24 all-star games and designation as “baseball’s perfect knight.”

Stand aside, for here comes Tom Musial and his repertoire of juice box jokes!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

An Actual Conversation With My Wife

Me (coming home late): It smells good in here. Did you cook something with garlic?

Wife: No.

Me: Really? What did you make for dinner?

Wife: Spaghetti and meatballs. And garlic bread.

(long pause)

Wife: Yes. The answer to your first question is “Yes.”

Yes. Yes I do.

Last night at a show, a fellow comedian commented: “Tom, I’ve never even met her, but you must have the coolest wife.”

I communicate to my wife mainly through this blog, so I wanted her to know that I completely agree.

I Heart Fish Sandwiches — and More!

My wife and I were discussing sandwiches, and during the conversation I realized that I have more than one favorite sandwich.

  • The Fish Sandwich is my favorite sandwich in the category of Bar and Restaurant food.
  • The corned-beef-and-coleslaw Rachel is my favorite sandwich in the category of Deli Sandwiches.
  • The Hot Italian Sausage Sandwich is my favorite sandwich in the category of outdoor venues, which include tailgates, picnics, parish fairs, family reunions, and rib fests.

If you see me at the Immaculate Conception parish fair this summer eating an Italian Sausage, don’t ask me why I didn’t have a fish sandwich. I’ll just refer you to my website.

21st-Century Marital Communication

I set up my wife’s newsreader with a subscription to TomMusial.com

Last night my wife said to me: “We’re getting cable? And I had to learn about it from your blog?”

Tonight I predict she will say, “You wrote about what I said to you? On your blog?”

Around the Corner and Out of This World

Last month, I had the good fortune to spend a day each in Busch Gardens Europe and Kennywood Park.

Being the analytical thinker that I am, I realized that all of the adult rides in amusement parks can be put into one or more of the following categories:

  1. Rides that make your head hurt.
  2. Rides that make you dizzy or nauseated.
  3. Rides that get you wet.
  4. Rides that allow you to cop a feel.

Continue reading Around the Corner and Out of This World

Two-Minivan Man

For reasons too aggravating to relate here, my family no longer owns a minivan (mom’s car) and a sedan (dad’s car).

Instead, we now own a new minivan (mom’s car) and an old minivan (dad’s car).

If you see a shaved-head, goateed, middle-aged man driving around Pittsburgh in a 10-year old minivan with no air conditioning, it’s probably me.

It’s like a dream come true.

Note: my first trip to Slapsticks Comedy Loft in the South Hills is tomorrow night at 9:00 p.m. All you South Hills homies are invited.

PS: As I typed the words “South Hills” above, I accidentally typed “South Ills.” Eerily appropriate, don’t you think?

I Think I’ll Keep Her

My wife is great, and she’s good at a lot of things.

One of the things she’s not particularly good at is keeping up with the latest technology. Just a few months ago, she called me at work so I could walk her through the process of ordering digital photos from Target. “O.K.,” I said. “The first thing to do is open your browser.”

After a long pause, she said, “What’s a browser?”

Continue reading I Think I’ll Keep Her