For the last two years, I’ve told the following Ash Wednesday joke at local open mic venues, like the Smiling Moose and St. James Place Tavern.
No one has ever laughed, but I like the joke anyway. So I’m posting it here at TomMusial.com, where no one will ever see it.
Here it goes.
Today is Ash Wednesday. In Catholic Churches all across the world, today’s Gospel reading is this:
Beware of practicing your piety before men in order to be seen by them; for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.
Thus, when you give alms, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by men. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.
But when you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your alms may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by men. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.
But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
And when you fast, do not look dismal, like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by men. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.
But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen by men but by your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
I think that’s a great reading. To summarize, it says: “Be faithful and prayerful, but don’t make a big public spectacle out of it.”
And, oh by the way, before you leave church today, let me jam a giant black smudge into your forehead that you’re not allowed to wash off until Thursday, so that all day long people will ask if you walked into a door.
Really? Hasn’t anyone in the past 2000 years noticed this contradiction? It says to Wash your face right there in the gospel!
I was talking with my wife about how cool it is when you want somebody to invent something and then they do! My life gets better, and all I had to do was nothing.
During our conversation, my wife asked if anything else had been invented during my lifetime that makes my life better. And as I thought about it, I realized that almost everything I ever wanted to be invented has been invented.
For example:
When I was youth playing Star Wars on the Atari 2600, I wished there was a way to play life-like battle games with (and against) other people, each from our own houses. Done.
During my Dungeons and Dragons days, I hoped that someday, someone would make a decent Lord of the Rings movie. Done.
After buying my first stereo component with 24-CD storage, I wished there was a way to store all of my music in one place, create custom playlists, and maybe even take it in my car. Done.
Whenever I saw somebody on TV that looked familiar, I wished there was a place where I could see a full list of every actor in the world, cross-referenced with every role they’ve ever played. Done
Anytime my wife started talking to me during a Steelers game, I wished there was a way to pause and rewind live TV. Done.
When TV was only showing repeats, I wished there was a way to rent a movie without having to go to the video store. Done and done.
And now the ketchup packet thing pretty much completes the list.
All in all, everything that I had ever hoped for in life has already happened. Even the Steelers have won two Super Bowls in the last few years.
Yep. Everything is going better than could ever be imagined.
Except, of course, for those things I have to do myself.
Like get in shape.
Or make more money than I spend
Or become successful at anything at all.
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<Long, introspective pause.>
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Hey, my Netflix of Return of the King Special Edition just arrived! See you later! Enjoy the video!
PS. I know. I’m not the first comedian to point out how awesome everything is.
To this point in my nascent career as a performer and entertainer (ha!), I’ve concentrated mainly on stand-up comedy, and shied away from pursuits in filmed entertainment.
After all, I thought, who wants to see a fat bald yinzer on screen when they are trying to enjoy themselves at the movies?
Then, I finally got around to seeing the locally-made movie Adventureland. And what did I see?
A FAT BALD YINZER PROMINENTLY PLACED IN A KEY DRAMATIC SCENE IN THE MOVIE.
Not only is he fat and bald, but he is wearing a 1976 Jack Lambert jersey.
Now where have I seen a fat bald yinzer in a Lambert jersey before? Hmmm. Let’s see. It’s on the tip of my tongue. Oh yeah, I remember:
IT WAS IN THE AWARD WINNING SHORT FILM “P.O.V” STARRING ME AS A FAT BALD YINZER!
Not only was I in full Lambert-jersey regalia, but I BROUGHT BLACK AND GOLD ZUBAZ PANTS TO THE PARTY! You don’t get any more yinzer than that!
One more thing: I WAS DRINKING ROLLING ROCK. (This was when Rolling Rock was still made in Latrobe - the home of Steelers training camp.)
For crying out loud: if any independent filmmakers or local casting directors need a fat bald yinzer for their next film, there is only one place to look. Right here: Tom Musial Dot Com.
“With Wall Street hemorrhaging jobs, bonuses disappearing and the financial sector going through a seismic shift, some bankers and lawyers are switching lanes to more creative career paths. They are putting down their Wall Street Journals and picking up Variety as they try their hands at comedy, filmmaking and writing.” (link)
Of course, if they’re as good at comedy as they were at banking, it should be no problem.
I think liquor companies should sell pre-mixed mixed drinks in juice boxes. We have Fruit Punch and Very Berry for the kids; why not have Screwdrivers or Cosmopolitans for the parents? The serving size is perfect and the boxes pack very easily. Just throw a handful into the cooler for the next trip to the park or the ballgame. No dangerous glass bottles to carry around. No worrying about having the right proportions of liquor to mixer. Just pop in the straw and you’re having a cocktail party!
Mr. Wellington, the CEO, was having an interview lunch with Mr. Jones, the leading candidate for the company’s number-two position. When the main course was served, Mr. Jones immediately sprinkled salt and pepper on his meal.
“I’m sorry,” said Mr. Wellington, “but you’re not right for the job. You seasoned your meal without tasting it first. That tells me that you make hasty decisions without first examining the situation.”
Not long thereafter, Mr. Jones was a multi-millionaire running a successful startup. Part of his success was his ability to make quick decisions when faced with a situation that he’d already encountered hundreds of times. Meanwhile, Wellington’s company had tanked, due mainly to his habit of making spurious conclusions based on data unrelated to the problem at hand.
I’m driving a minivan full of hungry kids and hit the drive-thru to pick up lunch. A few minutes later, I’m driving down the freeway trying to open ketchup packets with my teeth and squeeze out more than two molecules of ketchup per packet to satisfy the cravings of my hungry brood.
And I wonder: why can’t fast-food ketchup come in little dipping packages like the sauces you get for chicken nuggets?
If you work for Heinz (or any other food service vendor), please add an explanation to the comments.
